Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Overcoming Sex Addiction
What is Sex Addiction?
Sexual or sex addiction, simply put, is the use of sex or pornography to address non-sexual emotional needs. Countless people from different cultures struggle with this condition which not only disrupts their everyday life but also destroys it in the process. If the following situation sounds familiar to you or someone close to you then you are not alone:
*
Your mind is bombarded with so many pornographic images that you find yourself distracted for hours.
*
Your desire or drive to have sex, view pornography on the Internet or buy porn videos and magazines is so strong that you are willing to relinquish your primary responsibilities and obligations.
*
As a result, you may be in financial debt and maybe out of a job and yet, you still continue to engage in sexual behavior that you know is risky.
There are many more symptoms of sex addiction; please review our sex addiction assessment for a preliminary self-diagnosis.
Why is a Person Addicted to Sex?
One way to understand why a person is addicted to sex is to look at other types of addiction such as drugs and alcohol. Someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs uses these substances to change his/her moods; in other words, the addict tries to numb emotional pain. The substance becomes more important than family, friends and work.
Eventually, the individuals reach a point where, in order to feel normal, they must have the drug or alcohol. Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book, "Out of the Shadows", writes, "...to feel 'normal' for the alcoholic is also to feel isolated and lonely since the primary relationship he depends upon to feel adequate is a chemical, not other people."
Sex addiction parallels the above dynamic in that addicts use sexual behaviors to "medicate" or numb their feelings (such as fear, anxiety or anger) to the degree that their sexual acting out becomes their primary way of coping with emotional stress. Therefore, it is important not to confuse sexual addiction with sexual desire.
Most adults have a healthy sexual desire but not everyone uses sex to address non-sexual emotional needs. Sex addictions can take on many forms including but not limited to the following sexual behaviors:
*
Anonymous sex
*
Porn addiction (pornographic photos, videos, magazines, cyber-sex, Web sites)
*
Chronic affairs
*
Compulsive masturbation
*
Sexual massages
*
Voyeurism
Feeling Powerless is the Essence
According to Sex Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program dedicated to helping sex addicts, "...the essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing." In addition, Dr. Carnes explains that one of the traits of sex addiction is that it is progressive in nature. In other words, these habitual behaviors increase in frequency and variety which result in extreme consequences.
The sex addict does not necessarily need to have sex with an individual in order to be addicted. Pornography addiction or cyber-sex is a type of sexual addiction in which the individual, more often than not, masturbates to pornographic images on the Internet. This compulsive behavior where increasing amount of time is invested in downloading images, creating files and exchanging sexual information with others via chat rooms creates a fantasy world in which the sex addict spends most of his time.
The Internet provides exactly what an addict seeks: material to fuel his insatiable sexual desires and secretly feed his fantasy in an isolated environment with an endless variety that is available not only at a touch of a button but also at any time of the day. As a result, the individual's emotional pain and stress are numbed by these fantasies and rituals dozens, if not, hundreds of times before having true intimacy (and/or sex) with a real person.
The sex addicts who use the Internet undergo a speedy progression of their addiction. An exorbitant amount of time is spent in front of the computer which leads to greater risks, increasing one's chances of getting caught. This is the reason why porn addiction has been appropriately deemed the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction.
According to review Web sites such as WebSense.com and Internetfilterreview.com, Internet pornography statistics for the year 2003 were as follows:
*
90% of 8 - 16 year olds have viewed porn online (most of them while doing their homework)
*
The largest consumer of Internet pornography is the age group between 12 - 17
*
About 12% of total Web sites are pornographic
*
25% of total search engine requests are porn-related
Why is it Important to Overcome Sex Addiction?
The consequences of sexual addiction can be devastating to not only the addict but also those close to him/her. It can leave an addict isolated, intensely anxious and depressed to the point of being suicidal.
Low self-esteem, shame, hopelessness and despair are also common feelings experienced by sex addicts.
*
70% of sex addicts report severe marital or relationship problems
*
40% report the loss of a partner or spouse
The ramifications of sex addiction do not end on an emotional level but rather, continue onto medical, financial and legal ones as well.
Medical consequences of sex addiction may include HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as genital herpes, syphilis and gonorrhea. In addition, genital injury may result from excessive sexual activity or the use of foreign objects for sexual stimulation.
Financial consequences of sex addiction may include the loss of one's job, getting sued over sexual harassment or sexual exploitation charges resulting in legal fees. Purchasing pornographic material, use of prostitutes, calling 900 phone numbers and traveling for the sole purpose of sexual contacts can create enormous debt in credit card bills and exhaust the financial resources of an addict often times to the point of bankruptcy.
Legal consequences of sexual addiction. Arrest and incarceration are the most common legal ramifications of sexual addiction. The addict's out of control lifestyle compels him to engage in high risk, illegal activities such as voyeurism, exhibitionism, inappropriate touching and the solicitation of prostitutes.
How Do I Know If I'm Addicted to Sex or Pornography?
A basic approach in recognizing any addictive behavior is to assess whether it is creating overwhelming trouble in your life and yet you choose to return to it despite the problem.
If your sexual behavior is draining your time and energy and it causes you to compromise your core values and the beliefs that you hold dear to your heart then there is likely a problem. If you are acting out sexually and your behavior has resulted in health complications (psychological and/or physical), job loss and financial problems, relationships being strained or broken or more serious consequences such as being involved in litigations over inappropriate and illegal behaviors then you are most likely a sex addict.
A common misconception among sex addicts is that the problem will go away on its own and they will often say to themselves, "This is my only opportunity... I will never get a chance like this again...this is the last time that I am going to..." but experience and research shows that they will return to the same sexual situations, in spite of previous vows to change if they do not seek professional help.
Sexual or sex addiction, simply put, is the use of sex or pornography to address non-sexual emotional needs. Countless people from different cultures struggle with this condition which not only disrupts their everyday life but also destroys it in the process. If the following situation sounds familiar to you or someone close to you then you are not alone:
*
Your mind is bombarded with so many pornographic images that you find yourself distracted for hours.
*
Your desire or drive to have sex, view pornography on the Internet or buy porn videos and magazines is so strong that you are willing to relinquish your primary responsibilities and obligations.
*
As a result, you may be in financial debt and maybe out of a job and yet, you still continue to engage in sexual behavior that you know is risky.
There are many more symptoms of sex addiction; please review our sex addiction assessment for a preliminary self-diagnosis.
Why is a Person Addicted to Sex?
One way to understand why a person is addicted to sex is to look at other types of addiction such as drugs and alcohol. Someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs uses these substances to change his/her moods; in other words, the addict tries to numb emotional pain. The substance becomes more important than family, friends and work.
Eventually, the individuals reach a point where, in order to feel normal, they must have the drug or alcohol. Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book, "Out of the Shadows", writes, "...to feel 'normal' for the alcoholic is also to feel isolated and lonely since the primary relationship he depends upon to feel adequate is a chemical, not other people."
Sex addiction parallels the above dynamic in that addicts use sexual behaviors to "medicate" or numb their feelings (such as fear, anxiety or anger) to the degree that their sexual acting out becomes their primary way of coping with emotional stress. Therefore, it is important not to confuse sexual addiction with sexual desire.
Most adults have a healthy sexual desire but not everyone uses sex to address non-sexual emotional needs. Sex addictions can take on many forms including but not limited to the following sexual behaviors:
*
Anonymous sex
*
Porn addiction (pornographic photos, videos, magazines, cyber-sex, Web sites)
*
Chronic affairs
*
Compulsive masturbation
*
Sexual massages
*
Voyeurism
Feeling Powerless is the Essence
According to Sex Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program dedicated to helping sex addicts, "...the essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing." In addition, Dr. Carnes explains that one of the traits of sex addiction is that it is progressive in nature. In other words, these habitual behaviors increase in frequency and variety which result in extreme consequences.
The sex addict does not necessarily need to have sex with an individual in order to be addicted. Pornography addiction or cyber-sex is a type of sexual addiction in which the individual, more often than not, masturbates to pornographic images on the Internet. This compulsive behavior where increasing amount of time is invested in downloading images, creating files and exchanging sexual information with others via chat rooms creates a fantasy world in which the sex addict spends most of his time.
The Internet provides exactly what an addict seeks: material to fuel his insatiable sexual desires and secretly feed his fantasy in an isolated environment with an endless variety that is available not only at a touch of a button but also at any time of the day. As a result, the individual's emotional pain and stress are numbed by these fantasies and rituals dozens, if not, hundreds of times before having true intimacy (and/or sex) with a real person.
The sex addicts who use the Internet undergo a speedy progression of their addiction. An exorbitant amount of time is spent in front of the computer which leads to greater risks, increasing one's chances of getting caught. This is the reason why porn addiction has been appropriately deemed the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction.
According to review Web sites such as WebSense.com and Internetfilterreview.com, Internet pornography statistics for the year 2003 were as follows:
*
90% of 8 - 16 year olds have viewed porn online (most of them while doing their homework)
*
The largest consumer of Internet pornography is the age group between 12 - 17
*
About 12% of total Web sites are pornographic
*
25% of total search engine requests are porn-related
Why is it Important to Overcome Sex Addiction?
The consequences of sexual addiction can be devastating to not only the addict but also those close to him/her. It can leave an addict isolated, intensely anxious and depressed to the point of being suicidal.
Low self-esteem, shame, hopelessness and despair are also common feelings experienced by sex addicts.
*
70% of sex addicts report severe marital or relationship problems
*
40% report the loss of a partner or spouse
The ramifications of sex addiction do not end on an emotional level but rather, continue onto medical, financial and legal ones as well.
Medical consequences of sex addiction may include HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as genital herpes, syphilis and gonorrhea. In addition, genital injury may result from excessive sexual activity or the use of foreign objects for sexual stimulation.
Financial consequences of sex addiction may include the loss of one's job, getting sued over sexual harassment or sexual exploitation charges resulting in legal fees. Purchasing pornographic material, use of prostitutes, calling 900 phone numbers and traveling for the sole purpose of sexual contacts can create enormous debt in credit card bills and exhaust the financial resources of an addict often times to the point of bankruptcy.
Legal consequences of sexual addiction. Arrest and incarceration are the most common legal ramifications of sexual addiction. The addict's out of control lifestyle compels him to engage in high risk, illegal activities such as voyeurism, exhibitionism, inappropriate touching and the solicitation of prostitutes.
How Do I Know If I'm Addicted to Sex or Pornography?
A basic approach in recognizing any addictive behavior is to assess whether it is creating overwhelming trouble in your life and yet you choose to return to it despite the problem.
If your sexual behavior is draining your time and energy and it causes you to compromise your core values and the beliefs that you hold dear to your heart then there is likely a problem. If you are acting out sexually and your behavior has resulted in health complications (psychological and/or physical), job loss and financial problems, relationships being strained or broken or more serious consequences such as being involved in litigations over inappropriate and illegal behaviors then you are most likely a sex addict.
A common misconception among sex addicts is that the problem will go away on its own and they will often say to themselves, "This is my only opportunity... I will never get a chance like this again...this is the last time that I am going to..." but experience and research shows that they will return to the same sexual situations, in spite of previous vows to change if they do not seek professional help.
ORGASM
When a woman can get an orgasm by masturbation but not while making love with the partner, the treatment will be mainly focused on the sexual relationship, improvement of the communication about sexuality and increasing sexual knowledge and abilities. When a woman has never experienced an orgasm the treatment is often focused on giving information about this and giving exercises. Taking away feelings of anxiety and guilt, restraining thoughts and discovering and expressing sexual desires is often a part of the treatment.
hOW GETING ORGASM AS WOMAN
When a woman can get an orgasm by masturbation but not while making love with the partner, the treatment will be mainly focused on the sexual relationship, improvement of the communication about sexuality and increasing sexual knowledge and abilities. When a woman has never experienced an orgasm the treatment is often focused on giving information about this and giving exercises. Taking away feelings of anxiety and guilt, restraining thoughts and discovering and expressing sexual desires is often a part of the treatment.
Causes of women not getting an orgasm
There are various possible causes for not getting an orgasm, which are divided below into physical, psychological and social causes.
Physical causes:
* Damage to the central nervous system, the spinal cord and the peripheral nerves, for example, by injury, tumours and multiple sclerosis.
* Medication.
* Hormonal anomalies.
* Surgery.
* An inadequate learning process: little masturbation.
* Fatigue.
* Depression.
* Insufficient knowledge of one's own body.
Psychological causes:
* Not being able to concentrate on and accept the physical sensations.
* Not giving enough attention to oneself while making love.
* Wanting to come by all means.
* Looking at oneself 'from a distance' and be distracted by this.
* Distraction by stress, certain thoughts, etc.
* Negative memories.
Social causes:
* Not getting the form of stimulation needed to get an orgasm.
* Insufficient safety, security, respect, communication, etc. More.
* Having experienced harmful events in the sexual field.
* Being too focused on the other person.
Physical causes:
* Damage to the central nervous system, the spinal cord and the peripheral nerves, for example, by injury, tumours and multiple sclerosis.
* Medication.
* Hormonal anomalies.
* Surgery.
* An inadequate learning process: little masturbation.
* Fatigue.
* Depression.
* Insufficient knowledge of one's own body.
Psychological causes:
* Not being able to concentrate on and accept the physical sensations.
* Not giving enough attention to oneself while making love.
* Wanting to come by all means.
* Looking at oneself 'from a distance' and be distracted by this.
* Distraction by stress, certain thoughts, etc.
* Negative memories.
Social causes:
* Not getting the form of stimulation needed to get an orgasm.
* Insufficient safety, security, respect, communication, etc. More.
* Having experienced harmful events in the sexual field.
* Being too focused on the other person.
Orgasm disorder in woman
When a woman never has an orgasm while making love and is distressed by this, she may have an orgasm disorder. When there is sufficient desire for sex and the body is stimulated in the right way, then an orgasm is a reaction of the body. For most women the orgasm is caused by a direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris. In general, vaginal stimulation is not enough to get an orgasm. One third of all women rarely or never have an orgasm while making love. Only one woman in ten always have an orgasm when making love. Some women are also less interested in getting an orgasm.
How to Give a Female an Orgasm ; Increase Female Sex Drive
There is an old Chinese saying:
Man is fire, woman is water. The man's fire brings the woman's water to boiling.
Listen to your girlfriend; she says: "if the circumstances were right maybe it would be possible" . Women are not, as men are, immediately stimulated by sight. They need more time. They need the right atmosphere, some romance; sometimes candles and soft music can help.
To get her to desire you and want to have sex, you have to court her, so that she feels like an attractive woman, and not like a service provider. Men can often make up a quarrel by making love, but women need to feel that the relationship is good first, in order to feel desire.
"Why don't you want to make love with me?" is a question that kills all desire. Say instead: "You are so beautiful, I cannot resist you!"
If she is stressed and thinks of problems, sex will not work. She needs to get in the right mood. Be helpful and give her a lot of care and appreciation.
Making love is a slow process for a woman and may have to start many hours in advance, by fondness and attention from the man she loves.
Women need a much longer foreplay than men. Start by whispering sweet words in her ear and fondling her all over her body, but not in the genital area.
Be sensitive, all the time, to what she likes and what she wants to hear.
Do not fondle the genital area until she is ready (use lubricating gel, which you can buy in a drug store). You need to have patience. She may not get an orgasm until after 20 minutes or more. And sometimes it will not work, even if you do everything right. You need to love her anyway.
Most women will not achieve orgasm through an ordinary genital sexual intercourse. And men often are tired after their orgasm. Because of this, it may be best to ensure that the woman has an orgasm before the man. She will still be excited afterwards, and will enjoy his orgasm.
Women can enjoy sex even if they do not get an orgasm. They enjoy the nearness and intimacy, the fondling and the feeling of love and desire. A request from the man that she must have an orgasm can be a problem for the woman. In spite of this, you should try to learn to satisfy her. I know of women who have left their boyfriends when they have met a man who knows the right way.
Your girlfriend probably does not want to go to a gynecologist, because she feels that this is not the problem. One treatment for a dry vagina is lubricating gel. Do not tell her that she is lazy; instead try to understand her wishes and needs. Respect her, if she does not want to go to a gynecologist. To criticize her will kill all desire and she may resent this for a long time.
If you want something from her, ask her in a nice way, without criticism. Listen to what she says and try to understand her feelings and needs.
A woman who has never had an orgasm may be able to learn this by practice. Her chances of succeeding are higher if she has a partner who is responsive to her needs. Good luck!
Man is fire, woman is water. The man's fire brings the woman's water to boiling.
Listen to your girlfriend; she says: "if the circumstances were right maybe it would be possible" . Women are not, as men are, immediately stimulated by sight. They need more time. They need the right atmosphere, some romance; sometimes candles and soft music can help.
To get her to desire you and want to have sex, you have to court her, so that she feels like an attractive woman, and not like a service provider. Men can often make up a quarrel by making love, but women need to feel that the relationship is good first, in order to feel desire.
"Why don't you want to make love with me?" is a question that kills all desire. Say instead: "You are so beautiful, I cannot resist you!"
If she is stressed and thinks of problems, sex will not work. She needs to get in the right mood. Be helpful and give her a lot of care and appreciation.
Making love is a slow process for a woman and may have to start many hours in advance, by fondness and attention from the man she loves.
Women need a much longer foreplay than men. Start by whispering sweet words in her ear and fondling her all over her body, but not in the genital area.
Be sensitive, all the time, to what she likes and what she wants to hear.
Do not fondle the genital area until she is ready (use lubricating gel, which you can buy in a drug store). You need to have patience. She may not get an orgasm until after 20 minutes or more. And sometimes it will not work, even if you do everything right. You need to love her anyway.
Most women will not achieve orgasm through an ordinary genital sexual intercourse. And men often are tired after their orgasm. Because of this, it may be best to ensure that the woman has an orgasm before the man. She will still be excited afterwards, and will enjoy his orgasm.
Women can enjoy sex even if they do not get an orgasm. They enjoy the nearness and intimacy, the fondling and the feeling of love and desire. A request from the man that she must have an orgasm can be a problem for the woman. In spite of this, you should try to learn to satisfy her. I know of women who have left their boyfriends when they have met a man who knows the right way.
Your girlfriend probably does not want to go to a gynecologist, because she feels that this is not the problem. One treatment for a dry vagina is lubricating gel. Do not tell her that she is lazy; instead try to understand her wishes and needs. Respect her, if she does not want to go to a gynecologist. To criticize her will kill all desire and she may resent this for a long time.
If you want something from her, ask her in a nice way, without criticism. Listen to what she says and try to understand her feelings and needs.
A woman who has never had an orgasm may be able to learn this by practice. Her chances of succeeding are higher if she has a partner who is responsive to her needs. Good luck!
Female Orgasm: How to Give a Woman an Orgasm
Female orgasm not the same as male orgasm
For most men, sex ends with an orgasm. This is very important for most men. And after the orgasm, most men are satisfied and not willing to participate in active sex any more for some time. All this is different for women.
* All women do not always have an orgasm. Some women have an orgasm most of the time, some only sometimes, some never. In one typical report:
o 15 % of the women had orgasm every time they had sexual intercorse,
o 48 % most of the time,
o 19 % sometimes,
o 11 % occasionaly,
o 7 % never.
* For many women, sex can be satisfying even without an orgasm. They value the closeness, intimacy, cuddling, more than the orgasm. In a report asking women why they enjoyed sex, their most common answer was emotional intimacy, and the most pleasurable event during sex for women was penetration, not orgasm.
* A woman can continue to enjoy active sex after an orgasm. Some women can have more than one orgasm in succession.
These differences mean that men often have the wrong expectations from a woman. Sometimes, it is the man, not the woman, who wants her to have an orgasm. Men also have incorrect expectations because of porn movies. In porn movies, the women cry and moan, so men believe that a woman is more satisfied if she cries and moans. In reality, a woman gets more silent and withdrawn when getting closer to, or having, an orgasm. It is not uncommon that women fake orgasm, cry and moan because that is what the man expects them to do. Of course, sex will be more satisfying if men understand women better.
The complexity of sexual relations is shown by the fact that orgasm is not only enjoyed by the person having orgasm. The orgasm of the man is important to the woman, and reversely the orgasm of the woman is felt as important for many men, maybe too important.
Below is some discussion about how to help a woman get an orgasm. Important to note is that obtaining an orgasm may not be what is most important for her. Maybe other things are more important. Do not feel forced to obtain orgasm for the woman, unless this is her own wish.
Below are some items on how to help a woman get an orgasm. Always note, however, that getting a woman to enjoy sex is not the same thing as getting her to have an orgasm, since women can enjoy other things with sex more than the orgasm. Thus, if a man wants his woman to be happy, it may be more important to provide closeness and love rather than orgasm. Most women are not satisfied if the man enters them too early, but that is not because of lack of orgasm but because of lack of love and intimacy.
Psychological setting for making love
Firstly, and this is very important, most women need the right psychological setting to get an orgasm. This article describes this in more detail.
Does she know how to get an orgasm at all?
The first question you always ask is whether she is able to get an orgasm at all, for example by masturbation. If the answer to this question is no, she must first learn how to get an orgasm. If the answer is yes, you can investigate how to get an orgasm when making love.
Timing of male and female orgasm
Women enjoy sex also after an orgasm, while most men do not want to continue making love after their orgasm. Because of this, it is better if the woman gets her orgasm before the man.
Clitoris and g-point
Women get an orgasm by proper stimulation of the clitoris, a small lap of skin just over the vagina. The clitoris can be stimulated by hand, using lubricating gel, by the woman herself or her partner. It can also be stimulated by mouth. If the clitoris is stimulated by her partner, this is usually done before the vaginal intercourse. Note that during normal vaginal sexual intercourse, the nerve endings in the man's penis are stimulated, but not the nerve endings in the womans clitoris. Only 30 % of all women get an orgasm through vaginal sexual intercourse according to Shere Hite! More.
There is also a place inside the vagina, which can be stimulated to give an orgasm. This point is named the g-point. It is, however, difficult to find this point and stimulate it in the right way. Women who succeed in getting orgasm this way usually use the intercourse position with the woman on top of the man. The reason for this is that this position gives the woman the largest options to control the movements so as to stimulate the g-point.
Some women have a problem in that stimulating the g-point causes a strong need to urinate.
Sometimes, couples start with foreplay and manual or oral stimulation, then switch to intercourse with the woman on top until the woman gets her orgasm, then switch to the man on top until the man gets an orgasm. But this is something each couple will have to try out what they prefer.
Techniques of stimulating clitoris to orgasm
After foreplay by kissing and fondling (may have to continue for up to 20 minutes) the partner or the person herself stimulates the clitoris (the are below the labia or genital lips, and above the vagina opening) by rapidly flicking a finger or the tongue back and forward or up and down. Do not press hard. If you are using a finger, be sure to use lots of lubricating gel (can be bought at a drug store). If you are using the tongue, lubricating gel is usually not necessary, since lubrication comes from the mouth. Ask her to concentracte on sexy thoughts at the same time.
Who is responsible for the female orgasm, him or her?
The first step in learning to get an orgasm is that the woman learns to get an orgasm by masturbation. She can then teach her male partner how to do, and knows when it feels right and wrong. Listen to her, ask her what feels good and not good, try out the best technique together with her. So certainly she is responsible for telling her partner how to make her satisfied.
It is quite common that women masturbate themselves during intercourse, in order to get an orgasm.
Some feminists reject the idea that men "give" women an orgasm. They claim that equality requires that each is responsible for their own orgasm. Other people see love making as a mutual activity of giving and taking.
Fantasies
Some women need to concentrate on erotic fantasies to get an orgasm. The fantasies which work for some women can be weird and contain actions they would never do in real life. Thinking "maybe I cannot get an orgasm" may destroy the ability to get an orgasm.
Is orgasm necessary for a woman
And remember, always first clarify what the woman wants. Many women enjoy sex even without an orgasm, and do not think that orgasm is necessary to be satisfied. Other women, however, are not satisfied unless they get an orgasm.
Sex should be an occasion of mutual joy and pleasure, not an occasion of incorrect expectations, forced striving for an orgasm at all cost. Sex is usually more satisfactory for both if they do not think so much about attaining orgasm, but instead think of love and mutual pleasure
For most men, sex ends with an orgasm. This is very important for most men. And after the orgasm, most men are satisfied and not willing to participate in active sex any more for some time. All this is different for women.
* All women do not always have an orgasm. Some women have an orgasm most of the time, some only sometimes, some never. In one typical report:
o 15 % of the women had orgasm every time they had sexual intercorse,
o 48 % most of the time,
o 19 % sometimes,
o 11 % occasionaly,
o 7 % never.
* For many women, sex can be satisfying even without an orgasm. They value the closeness, intimacy, cuddling, more than the orgasm. In a report asking women why they enjoyed sex, their most common answer was emotional intimacy, and the most pleasurable event during sex for women was penetration, not orgasm.
* A woman can continue to enjoy active sex after an orgasm. Some women can have more than one orgasm in succession.
These differences mean that men often have the wrong expectations from a woman. Sometimes, it is the man, not the woman, who wants her to have an orgasm. Men also have incorrect expectations because of porn movies. In porn movies, the women cry and moan, so men believe that a woman is more satisfied if she cries and moans. In reality, a woman gets more silent and withdrawn when getting closer to, or having, an orgasm. It is not uncommon that women fake orgasm, cry and moan because that is what the man expects them to do. Of course, sex will be more satisfying if men understand women better.
The complexity of sexual relations is shown by the fact that orgasm is not only enjoyed by the person having orgasm. The orgasm of the man is important to the woman, and reversely the orgasm of the woman is felt as important for many men, maybe too important.
Below is some discussion about how to help a woman get an orgasm. Important to note is that obtaining an orgasm may not be what is most important for her. Maybe other things are more important. Do not feel forced to obtain orgasm for the woman, unless this is her own wish.
Below are some items on how to help a woman get an orgasm. Always note, however, that getting a woman to enjoy sex is not the same thing as getting her to have an orgasm, since women can enjoy other things with sex more than the orgasm. Thus, if a man wants his woman to be happy, it may be more important to provide closeness and love rather than orgasm. Most women are not satisfied if the man enters them too early, but that is not because of lack of orgasm but because of lack of love and intimacy.
Psychological setting for making love
Firstly, and this is very important, most women need the right psychological setting to get an orgasm. This article describes this in more detail.
Does she know how to get an orgasm at all?
The first question you always ask is whether she is able to get an orgasm at all, for example by masturbation. If the answer to this question is no, she must first learn how to get an orgasm. If the answer is yes, you can investigate how to get an orgasm when making love.
Timing of male and female orgasm
Women enjoy sex also after an orgasm, while most men do not want to continue making love after their orgasm. Because of this, it is better if the woman gets her orgasm before the man.
Clitoris and g-point
Women get an orgasm by proper stimulation of the clitoris, a small lap of skin just over the vagina. The clitoris can be stimulated by hand, using lubricating gel, by the woman herself or her partner. It can also be stimulated by mouth. If the clitoris is stimulated by her partner, this is usually done before the vaginal intercourse. Note that during normal vaginal sexual intercourse, the nerve endings in the man's penis are stimulated, but not the nerve endings in the womans clitoris. Only 30 % of all women get an orgasm through vaginal sexual intercourse according to Shere Hite! More.
There is also a place inside the vagina, which can be stimulated to give an orgasm. This point is named the g-point. It is, however, difficult to find this point and stimulate it in the right way. Women who succeed in getting orgasm this way usually use the intercourse position with the woman on top of the man. The reason for this is that this position gives the woman the largest options to control the movements so as to stimulate the g-point.
Some women have a problem in that stimulating the g-point causes a strong need to urinate.
Sometimes, couples start with foreplay and manual or oral stimulation, then switch to intercourse with the woman on top until the woman gets her orgasm, then switch to the man on top until the man gets an orgasm. But this is something each couple will have to try out what they prefer.
Techniques of stimulating clitoris to orgasm
After foreplay by kissing and fondling (may have to continue for up to 20 minutes) the partner or the person herself stimulates the clitoris (the are below the labia or genital lips, and above the vagina opening) by rapidly flicking a finger or the tongue back and forward or up and down. Do not press hard. If you are using a finger, be sure to use lots of lubricating gel (can be bought at a drug store). If you are using the tongue, lubricating gel is usually not necessary, since lubrication comes from the mouth. Ask her to concentracte on sexy thoughts at the same time.
Who is responsible for the female orgasm, him or her?
The first step in learning to get an orgasm is that the woman learns to get an orgasm by masturbation. She can then teach her male partner how to do, and knows when it feels right and wrong. Listen to her, ask her what feels good and not good, try out the best technique together with her. So certainly she is responsible for telling her partner how to make her satisfied.
It is quite common that women masturbate themselves during intercourse, in order to get an orgasm.
Some feminists reject the idea that men "give" women an orgasm. They claim that equality requires that each is responsible for their own orgasm. Other people see love making as a mutual activity of giving and taking.
Fantasies
Some women need to concentrate on erotic fantasies to get an orgasm. The fantasies which work for some women can be weird and contain actions they would never do in real life. Thinking "maybe I cannot get an orgasm" may destroy the ability to get an orgasm.
Is orgasm necessary for a woman
And remember, always first clarify what the woman wants. Many women enjoy sex even without an orgasm, and do not think that orgasm is necessary to be satisfied. Other women, however, are not satisfied unless they get an orgasm.
Sex should be an occasion of mutual joy and pleasure, not an occasion of incorrect expectations, forced striving for an orgasm at all cost. Sex is usually more satisfactory for both if they do not think so much about attaining orgasm, but instead think of love and mutual pleasure
Whether women say it or not, each of them have sexual fantasies and right now is the moment where you can learn about the kinds of things they would love for you to do!
When it comes to the female orgasm, most guys are confused. This is understandable considering that many men are clueless regarding the different types of orgasms and stimulations that can be given, not to mention if a certain part of the vagina has to be manipulated in order to give a woman an earth-shattering orgasm.
Well, if you're among the bewildered, have heart; today's tip will help you understand the female genitalia and the female orgasm inside and out.
what happens?
When a woman orgasms, regardless of which area of her body you're manipulating, her body physically reacts in the same way. During an orgasm, she feels:
* stimulation in her clitoris
* her heart rate, blood pressure and breathing increase
* tension builds within her pelvis
* muscles contract throughout her body, especially in the vagina, uterus, rectum, and pelvic floor
* tension is released upon orgasm
blue clitoris
Believe it or not, it is possible for women to get what is often called "blue balls" in men. As you know by now, the clitoris and penis are remarkably similar after conception, but males go on to develop penises.
If a woman gets incredibly turned on, her clitoris, like the penis, becomes engorged with blood. If the blood isn't released via orgasm, she will experience discomfort -- just as men do.
So when you tease her, you build up awesome tension, and when she finally orgasms, it will be an explosion of release. Keep in mind, however, that roughly 26% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm. And usually, it's her own mental block that keeps her from reaching orgasm -- it's not you.
different types
It was Sigmund Freud who first suggested that there were two types of female orgasm. However, sex researcher Alfred Kinsey refuted the claim and his view was that there is only one type of female orgasm.
Others sexperts claim that women can have three types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal and blended. But considering the latter is literally the other two put together, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as a type
Well, if you're among the bewildered, have heart; today's tip will help you understand the female genitalia and the female orgasm inside and out.
what happens?
When a woman orgasms, regardless of which area of her body you're manipulating, her body physically reacts in the same way. During an orgasm, she feels:
* stimulation in her clitoris
* her heart rate, blood pressure and breathing increase
* tension builds within her pelvis
* muscles contract throughout her body, especially in the vagina, uterus, rectum, and pelvic floor
* tension is released upon orgasm
blue clitoris
Believe it or not, it is possible for women to get what is often called "blue balls" in men. As you know by now, the clitoris and penis are remarkably similar after conception, but males go on to develop penises.
If a woman gets incredibly turned on, her clitoris, like the penis, becomes engorged with blood. If the blood isn't released via orgasm, she will experience discomfort -- just as men do.
So when you tease her, you build up awesome tension, and when she finally orgasms, it will be an explosion of release. Keep in mind, however, that roughly 26% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm. And usually, it's her own mental block that keeps her from reaching orgasm -- it's not you.
different types
It was Sigmund Freud who first suggested that there were two types of female orgasm. However, sex researcher Alfred Kinsey refuted the claim and his view was that there is only one type of female orgasm.
Others sexperts claim that women can have three types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal and blended. But considering the latter is literally the other two put together, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as a type
Drug-Facilitated Sexual Assault
Drug-Facilitated Sexual Assault
Picture it. You wake up. You're naked. You have a pounding headache, aching muscles, and you can't remember anything from last night. One minute you and some friends are getting a ride to a party, the next you're waking up here, on a stranger's bed in a room you've never even seen before.
You search around in the dark for a minute or so, and piece-by-piece you find the clothes you were wearing last night. You quickly pull on your underwear and jeans, and are about to throw on your top when you notice something's wrong. There's a long tear stretching down from the neckline of your shirt. For a minute, you just sit there in confusion - what the heck happened last night?
Then, a spark fires in your brain. You remember something from the night before that makes your skin crawl, and in a single instant, your life is changed forever. You're not sure, but you think you've been raped.
This is drug-facilitated sexual assault, and no one's really sure how often it happens.
Often known as "drug rape" or "date rape", drug-facilitated sexual assault is when someone uses the fact that you've taken or been given alcohol or drugs to sexually assault you.
This sexual assault can be anything from unwanted kissing or touching to full-blown rape. Obviously, rape is worse than an unwanted kiss or touch, but all sexual assaults are serious crimes.
Someone could also slip a "date-rape" drug into your drink that will make you completely out of it and an easy target. These drugs can also make you pass out or erase parts of your memory, so you might wake up the next day and never know what's happened to you.
Other times, someone may take advantage of a person who's had too much to drink or took drugs willingly - a girl who is passed out at a party, for example.
Picture it. You wake up. You're naked. You have a pounding headache, aching muscles, and you can't remember anything from last night. One minute you and some friends are getting a ride to a party, the next you're waking up here, on a stranger's bed in a room you've never even seen before.
You search around in the dark for a minute or so, and piece-by-piece you find the clothes you were wearing last night. You quickly pull on your underwear and jeans, and are about to throw on your top when you notice something's wrong. There's a long tear stretching down from the neckline of your shirt. For a minute, you just sit there in confusion - what the heck happened last night?
Then, a spark fires in your brain. You remember something from the night before that makes your skin crawl, and in a single instant, your life is changed forever. You're not sure, but you think you've been raped.
This is drug-facilitated sexual assault, and no one's really sure how often it happens.
Often known as "drug rape" or "date rape", drug-facilitated sexual assault is when someone uses the fact that you've taken or been given alcohol or drugs to sexually assault you.
This sexual assault can be anything from unwanted kissing or touching to full-blown rape. Obviously, rape is worse than an unwanted kiss or touch, but all sexual assaults are serious crimes.
Someone could also slip a "date-rape" drug into your drink that will make you completely out of it and an easy target. These drugs can also make you pass out or erase parts of your memory, so you might wake up the next day and never know what's happened to you.
Other times, someone may take advantage of a person who's had too much to drink or took drugs willingly - a girl who is passed out at a party, for example.
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
Hear Our Stories
Your sexual orientation is a reflection of your sexual and emotional feelings toward people of the same or opposite gender. Although some people know early on that they are homosexual, others go through a confusing period where they wonder: Am I different? Could I be gay? Are my feelings just a passing phase?
The answer is there is no single answer. Your sexual orientation will emerge over time, probably little by little. You shouldn't label yourself as gay just because you've had homosexual feelings or even homosexual encounters. These experiences are very common among people your age. Or, you may realize over time that you're only attracted to people of your own gender. Or maybe you'll find that you're into both guys and girls - that you're bisexual.
Right now the best thing you can do is give it time and explore and experience your sexual feelings with an open mind. If it turns out you're gay, you'll probably face some unique challenges but you'll also get a lot of support along the way. The world's come a long way. It's still not perfect, but these days most people know that it's okay to be gay, and homosexuals have more social freedoms and legal protections than ever before.
You may have wondered what causes homosexuality. Why are some people gay and some people aren't? Truth is, nobody really knows for sure. Researchers used to believe that homosexuality stemmed from improper parenting (some people still believe this), but this just isn't the case. As best we know, what "causes" homosexuality is the same as what causes heterosexuality: the roll of the biological dice.
Today, sex researchers and doctors view homosexuality not as a sexual problem but as a normal sexual difference, much like green is a normal - if fairly unusual - eye colour.
What all this means is that homosexuals are no more responsible for their homosexuality than heterosexuals are for their heterosexuality. It is not a "lifestyle" you choose for yourself as much as something you discover in yourself. Which is not to say it's an easy discovery. Even if you know that homosexuality isn't a disorder or a flaw, you may fear that your family and friends won't accept you if you come out to them.
Hear Our Stories
Your sexual orientation is a reflection of your sexual and emotional feelings toward people of the same or opposite gender. Although some people know early on that they are homosexual, others go through a confusing period where they wonder: Am I different? Could I be gay? Are my feelings just a passing phase?
The answer is there is no single answer. Your sexual orientation will emerge over time, probably little by little. You shouldn't label yourself as gay just because you've had homosexual feelings or even homosexual encounters. These experiences are very common among people your age. Or, you may realize over time that you're only attracted to people of your own gender. Or maybe you'll find that you're into both guys and girls - that you're bisexual.
Right now the best thing you can do is give it time and explore and experience your sexual feelings with an open mind. If it turns out you're gay, you'll probably face some unique challenges but you'll also get a lot of support along the way. The world's come a long way. It's still not perfect, but these days most people know that it's okay to be gay, and homosexuals have more social freedoms and legal protections than ever before.
You may have wondered what causes homosexuality. Why are some people gay and some people aren't? Truth is, nobody really knows for sure. Researchers used to believe that homosexuality stemmed from improper parenting (some people still believe this), but this just isn't the case. As best we know, what "causes" homosexuality is the same as what causes heterosexuality: the roll of the biological dice.
Today, sex researchers and doctors view homosexuality not as a sexual problem but as a normal sexual difference, much like green is a normal - if fairly unusual - eye colour.
What all this means is that homosexuals are no more responsible for their homosexuality than heterosexuals are for their heterosexuality. It is not a "lifestyle" you choose for yourself as much as something you discover in yourself. Which is not to say it's an easy discovery. Even if you know that homosexuality isn't a disorder or a flaw, you may fear that your family and friends won't accept you if you come out to them.
What is Sex
Understanding Sexuality
Sex can be pretty confusing. You may have been told that sex is a sacred act between two married people who love each other very much. But then you turn on your TV and you see quite a different story - people having casual or meaningless sex, using it to get revenge or to control people, or using it to advertise everything from soft drinks to vacuum cleaners.
The point is, there's a lot of bad information floating around about sex. And while you may have already had "The Sex Talk" with your parents, you may still have a few questions. Your parents, your teachers or your doctor would likely be happy to answer your questions, but let's face it, some of this stuff can be pretty embarrassing:
Wet Dreams
Sexy dreams can cause a guy to have an erection and ejaculate, or cum, during his sleep. When he wakes up, he's wet and sticky. This is a wet dream. The same occurs in girls, but the amount of moisture they produce is much less, and therefore it's not as noticeable. Wet dreams are pretty common at your age, but they don't happen to everybody, so don't worry if it doesn't happen to you.
Fantasies
Fantasies are a safe way to explore your sexual desires. They're not weird, everybody has them and they don't make you a "pervert", so don't feel guilty about having them. Fantasies help you learn more about yourself and your romantic feelings, without having to act on them. They help you figure out what turns you on and what you're comfortable with. You can learn a lot from fantasies - what you want to do and what you don't - but a lot of fantasies will just stay as fantasies. It's normal for people to fantasize about things that they wouldn't be comfortable doing in real life. Or your fantasies can set the stage for real-life situations, and prepare you to act in a way that is true to yourself. They allow you to imagine having sex...without any of the real-life consequences.
In some cases, your fantasies may become too big a part of your day.and you may spend more time in your head than on earth. Or, your fantasies become so life-like that you find it hard to hold back from trying them out in real life. In these situations, it may help to talk to someone you trust to help sort out your feelings.
The Bottom Line
Do what you need to do to answer your questions. Read books, fantasize, and ask a trusted friend lots of questions. Or if you're comfortable, you can talk to your doctor, a school nurse, or a pharmacists - remember, unless you are in danger or have broken the law, whatever you talk about with your health care provider is confidential. Just remember that getting answers to your questions will help you grow as a healthy, mature sexual being.
You might find it embarrassing to ask questions about sex, but just think: If and when you decide to have sex, don't you want to be sure that you've done your homework? If you think it's embarrassing to ask questions now, just think how embarrassing it would be later!
Sex can be pretty confusing. You may have been told that sex is a sacred act between two married people who love each other very much. But then you turn on your TV and you see quite a different story - people having casual or meaningless sex, using it to get revenge or to control people, or using it to advertise everything from soft drinks to vacuum cleaners.
The point is, there's a lot of bad information floating around about sex. And while you may have already had "The Sex Talk" with your parents, you may still have a few questions. Your parents, your teachers or your doctor would likely be happy to answer your questions, but let's face it, some of this stuff can be pretty embarrassing:
Wet Dreams
Sexy dreams can cause a guy to have an erection and ejaculate, or cum, during his sleep. When he wakes up, he's wet and sticky. This is a wet dream. The same occurs in girls, but the amount of moisture they produce is much less, and therefore it's not as noticeable. Wet dreams are pretty common at your age, but they don't happen to everybody, so don't worry if it doesn't happen to you.
Fantasies
Fantasies are a safe way to explore your sexual desires. They're not weird, everybody has them and they don't make you a "pervert", so don't feel guilty about having them. Fantasies help you learn more about yourself and your romantic feelings, without having to act on them. They help you figure out what turns you on and what you're comfortable with. You can learn a lot from fantasies - what you want to do and what you don't - but a lot of fantasies will just stay as fantasies. It's normal for people to fantasize about things that they wouldn't be comfortable doing in real life. Or your fantasies can set the stage for real-life situations, and prepare you to act in a way that is true to yourself. They allow you to imagine having sex...without any of the real-life consequences.
In some cases, your fantasies may become too big a part of your day.and you may spend more time in your head than on earth. Or, your fantasies become so life-like that you find it hard to hold back from trying them out in real life. In these situations, it may help to talk to someone you trust to help sort out your feelings.
The Bottom Line
Do what you need to do to answer your questions. Read books, fantasize, and ask a trusted friend lots of questions. Or if you're comfortable, you can talk to your doctor, a school nurse, or a pharmacists - remember, unless you are in danger or have broken the law, whatever you talk about with your health care provider is confidential. Just remember that getting answers to your questions will help you grow as a healthy, mature sexual being.
You might find it embarrassing to ask questions about sex, but just think: If and when you decide to have sex, don't you want to be sure that you've done your homework? If you think it's embarrassing to ask questions now, just think how embarrassing it would be later!
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